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Category: News

The Milkshake Experiment

A few weeks ago, I formulated an experiment wherein I make a milkshake, and then record the number of boys who show up on my yard.  This experiment – done multiple times over the course of a few months – will eventually reveal the average number of boys to show up on my yard per milkshake.  This will make it convenient for single women looking to attract young gentlemen to their premises, and allow them to make a number of milkshakes according to how many fellas they would like to show up.  Say, if the number is 4 boys per milkshake, she would be able to make one-fourth of a milkshake for just one boy to show up, or half a milkshake if she fancies a threesome, or even make two milkshakes if she’s, well… in that kind of mood.  Having already conducted this experiment a few times, I’d like to release my findings so far to the scientific community for review, and in order to spark interest in my endeavours.

First experiment: 

8:02 pm:

The milkshake has been made, awaiting boys’ arrival.

11:54 pm:

No boys have showed up on my yard, calling off experiment.  Will attempt at a different time of day next time.

After the failure of the first experiment, I was still optimistic that a change in the time of day that it’s conducted would yield better results.  I figured starting in the morning, and running into the afternoon would be a safer bet.

Second experiment:

9:00 am:

Made milkshake, standing by for results.

11:34 am:

Mailman delivered flyers, dropped on front door step.  Boy count: 1.

12:20 pm:

Local politician came to try to coax me into voting for him.  Boy count: 2.

1:00 pm:

Calling this a day.  It appears that my idea to conduct the experiment earlier in the day was a fruitful one, I am pleased with the results.

As you can see, the total boy count between the two milkshakes was 2, meaning that (so far) the average boy/milkshake ratio is an even 1.  Also notable is that making the milkshake earlier in the day makes you far more likely to attract a boy to your yard.  If you’re looking to try this at home, but you don’t know how to make a milkshake, I suggest you learn how to properly do it first.  I could teach you personally, but I would be required to charge you for that lesson.

Until next time, my fellow scientisolololigists,


Justin Bieber arrested for intoxicated drag racing

Am I cool yet?!

Photo taken by onlooker as Bieber is apprehended by police.

In case you haven’t yet heard from the numerous Facebook posts, news articles, tweets, etc. that have come up about this, Justin Bieber was arrested Thursday for an alleged DUI drag race in Miami Beach.  This (not-necessarily-surprising) development isn’t even the first of many strings of small petty crimes he’s committed recently in what appears to be some sort of meltdown.  It has been argued that Bieber may not be responsible for his actions in this case, and may be suffering from a mental condition that only Disney stars are capable of suffering from – the same condition that may be responsible for Miley Cyrus’ recent actions as well.  For lack of a better name for this very new mental disorder, psychologists have settled on “TMFM” (or, “Too Much Fucking Money”) until further research is conducted.

Regardless of whether or not it was his own fault, Bieber admitted to smoking marijuana prior to the drag race, popping anti-depressants, and having a “beer or two”.  He also, after being pulled over by the police, reportedly dropped a “series of F-bombs” (which, to those of you who are a little slower in the noggin, means he used the word “fuck” a lot), refused to exit his vehicle, and upon finally exiting his vehicle refused to remove his hands from his pockets.  If you didn’t think he was a total badass prior to reading this, I certainly hope his rebellious and oh-so-cool actions have changed your opinion on him for the better.  And if they have, I sincerely hope you drown in your morning coffee tomorrow.