Let’s be honest; the God described in the Bible is a pretty shitty god. I think we need a new one — and I’m totally willing to take one for the team here and step up to the plate. So, here’s my proposition to discontinue the current God’s “services” to the world, and replace him with somebody who understands the position more thoroughly and actually does things to help people:
I, Tiggles W. Worth, would like to propose the notion that we oust the current God-In-Command of the universe (according to the ever-factually-sound word of the Bible) in favour of somebody more suitable for the position. I believe that God should have lost all credibility and power long ago due to the following:
- World-wide flooding caused solely by himself due only to the fact that he didn’t personally approve of the actions of some (not all) of the residents of the planet. Only allowed a select few favourites to survive.
- Encouraging followers to stone homosexuals, calling their sexuality an “abomination”; this demonstrates God’s inability to accept anything other than his own point of view as being “correct”, and he believes that having a conflicting opinion should be punishable by death. I think everybody can see why this is be a problem.
- Placed a tree covered in delicious forbidden fruit right in the middle of a place inhabited by humans with the expectation that they never eat from it. Common sense dictates that if the tree was that fucking important, he could have put it somewhere they couldn’t reach. Don’t get pissed off at people when they eat food you leave laying around.
- Contradicts himself on a constant basis. For instance, claims to love every human being on this planet, but makes the conscious choice to send the so-called “sinners” to Hell for an eternity of relentless torture if they so much as disagree with him. Of all misuses of the word “love” that I’ve ever heard, this could be the worst; I’m fairly certain the current God isn’t even aware of the meaning of the word “love”.
- Cares about himself, and only himself. The current god is a narcissist, demanding in the Bible that everybody put him first, even over their family and friends. He claims to be perfect and incapable of mistakes, but come on… I think we could all easily point out a few fuck-ups.
If I become God, I vow to:
- Love you unconditionally (for real, instead of “I’ll love you unconditionally… unless you do something I don’t personally like”)
- Accept any and all persons into Heaven who don’t pose a threat to other residents (and who the fuck cares in Heaven, anyway?)
- Allow my people to do whatever makes them happy, as long as it’s not hurting anybody else
- Cast the current god into the deepest pits of Hell where he belongs; he’s hurt far more people than he’s ever helped, and has too much of a narcissistic personality to even come close to being useful to anybody. Quite frankly, he’s an asshole.
Why wait around being treated like shit by a “God” who can’t even find it in himself to accept the people he made in his own image? I think it’s time we put a guy in charge who actually knows what the fuck he’s doing.