Tigglesworth

If you like sarcasm, satire, and opinions, this is the blog for you!

Introductory Bullshit

Hey there!

If you’re reading this, you have the distinct pleasure of being on one of the finest and most prestigious blogs the web has to offer, written and managed by the handsome, intelligent, and marvellous Tigglesworth!  What’s that?  You’ve never heard of me?  Well, I don’t know what cave you’ve been living in for the past 40 years, but I am quite possibly the most famously wonderful blogger to ever grace the web with my presence!  Well, okay… maybe not “famously”, but definitely wonderful.

What bullshit to expect:

  • Excessive coarse language (this blog may not be suitable for younger audiences)
  • Mature content and subject matter (again, not for tiny eyes.  I’m not talkin’ pornography here, but I sure do fuckin’ love to use offensive language and content for the sake of humour.  Swearing makes you cool, right?  Right?!)
  • Canadianisms (not really suitable for anyone to view, come think of it…)
  • Strong opinions.
  • Short stories 
  • Poems
  • News (probably with a pretty biased undertone in any news article that I write)

If you don’t like what I post, you should consider:

  • Sodomizing yourself with a cactus.
  • Jumping off a cliff.
  • Driving drunk.
  • Wearing a Justin Bieber t-shirt at a rock concert.
  • Swallowing a razor.
  • Emailing me about how angry you are (hate mail is very welcome, send it along to tigglesworth1@gmail.com!  If I get enough hate mail, I’ll make articles responding to it in a very kind and humble fashion).  
  • Playing in traffic.

I think that just about covers everything that needs covering.  Y’all have a lovely day, whatever day it is that you’ve reading this.  I love all of you bastards, and don’t you forget it.

-Tiggs

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We need a new god; the one we’ve got right now is an asshole

Let’s be honest; the God described in the Bible is a pretty shitty god.  I think we need a new one — and I’m totally willing to take one for the team here and step up to the plate.  So, here’s my proposition to discontinue the current God’s “services” to the world, and replace him with somebody who understands the position more thoroughly and actually does things to help people:

I, Tiggles W. Worth, would like to propose the notion that we oust the current God-In-Command of the universe (according to the ever-factually-sound word of the Bible) in favour of somebody more suitable for the position.  I believe that God should have lost all credibility and power long ago due to the following:

  • World-wide flooding caused solely by himself due only to the fact that he didn’t personally approve of the actions of some (not all) of the residents of the planet.  Only allowed a select few favourites to survive.
  • Encouraging followers to stone homosexuals, calling their sexuality an “abomination”; this demonstrates God’s inability to accept anything other than his own point of view as being “correct”, and he believes that having a conflicting opinion should be punishable by death.  I think everybody can see why this is be a problem.
  • Placed a tree covered in delicious forbidden fruit right in the middle of a place inhabited by humans with the expectation that they never eat from it.  Common sense dictates that if the tree was that fucking important, he could have put it somewhere they couldn’t reach.  Don’t get pissed off at people when they eat food you leave laying around.
  • Contradicts himself on a constant basis.  For instance, claims to love every human being on this planet, but makes the conscious choice to send the so-called “sinners” to Hell for an eternity of relentless torture if they so much as disagree with him.  Of all misuses of the word “love” that I’ve ever heard, this could be the worst; I’m fairly certain the current God isn’t even aware of the meaning of the word “love”.
  • Cares about himself, and only himself.  The current god is a narcissist, demanding in the Bible that everybody put him first, even over their family and friends.  He claims to be perfect and incapable of mistakes, but come on… I think we could all easily point out a few fuck-ups. 

If I become God, I vow to:

  • Love you unconditionally (for real, instead of “I’ll love you unconditionally… unless you do something I don’t personally like”)
  • Accept any and all persons into Heaven who don’t pose a threat to other residents (and who the fuck cares in Heaven, anyway?)
  • Allow my people to do whatever makes them happy, as long as it’s not hurting anybody else
  • Cast the current god into the deepest pits of Hell where he belongs; he’s hurt far more people than he’s ever helped, and has too much of a narcissistic personality to even come close to being useful to anybody.  Quite frankly, he’s an asshole.

Why wait around being treated like shit by a “God” who can’t even find it in himself to accept the people he made in his own image?  I think it’s time we put a guy in charge who actually knows what the fuck he’s doing.  

How can I be so…

How can I be someone that you love if you hate me?
And how can I be someone you respect if you call me lazy?

An open letter to Iogo

Dear cunts,

 

Please fire the motherfucker who designed this fucking Iogo Nano bullshit for the love of fucking god.  I can’t believe you ever let this bullshit slide like it’s normal; this shit is cruel and unusual.  Who the fuck’s idea was it to put the epitome of delicious, thick, rich, creamy goodness into a god damn motherfucking thimble.  I could wear these stupid shitty yogurt cups as pinkie-toe warmers, you slow god damn bastards.  I know they’re supposed to be for young kids, but I don’t know any 5-year-olds who would be satisfied with a single fucking half spoon-full of the best yogurt they’ll ever taste.  There’s a special place in hell for dumb shitty plebeians like you who tease people with just enough yogurt to taste, but not nearly enough to enjoy.  Fuck you.

 

Now that I’ve had to go through three stupid fucking packs of this shit to finally bring my total mouthfuls of yogurt up to 2, I’m still not bloody fucking satisfied.  Thank you, you stupid shitty god damn motherfucking shit-eating fuckin’ cocksucking dickpirates for making me waste my fucking money on this shit.  You insensitive fucking pricks.  I’m done.  I’m sticking to greek yogurt.  You’ve fucking done it, Iogo.  You’ve crossed the fucking line.  I’ll see you in court.

 

I hate you with every fibre of my existence,

-Tigglesworth

I’d like to be …

I’d like to be a big ball of meat
that bees can buzz around
and eat when I die, so that I might
be granted one sense of purpose.

Cyber-bullying

Lately, anti cyber-bullying laws have been arising in a lot of different places (including Nova Scotia, where I reside).  I couldn’t even believe it when I first heard that there would be legal consequence for cyber-bullying… and, after hearing a lot of arguments in favour of such laws, I do understand where they’re coming from with it.  Am I in favour of laws controlling how people treat others on the internet?  Absolutely fucking not.  It’s censorship to a great extent, and it’s completely unnecessary.  In case nobody’s noticed, you’d be hard-pressed to find a website that doesn’t offer the possibility to “block” and “report” users who are harassing you.  And actually, they don’t even need to be harassing you, you can just fuckin’ block ’em whenever you feel like it, it’s not particularly difficult.  If somebody’s continually messaging you on Facebook saying hurtful things, the “block” button isn’t exactly a hidden feature.  Bloody fucking use it.

 

It should be the responsibility of the webmaster of any given website to moderate and govern the happenings on their sites.  Or, on websites where users can potentially abuse other users, perhaps they should write a very clearly-worded and difficult to not notice warning stating that other users may have unkind things to say to you, and you should be weary of that if you think it would be a threat to your self-esteem or well-being.  If people want to say unkind things about you, power to them.  They have every right in the world to state their opinion of you; sure, perhaps it’s unnecessary and distasteful, but it’s their choice to make.  If webmasters don’t like abusive content on their site, then they can react to it accordingly – the content (inside of the law; no CP, etc) on their website should be up to them, ultimately, not up to how the government dictates people can interact with each other on social media.  Fuck censorship, and fuck you if you’re too stupid and shitty to find the motherfucking “block” button.  Open your god damn eyes.

 

If you’ve been victimized by a cyber bully, I urge you to simply block them.  You’ll make your life a lot easier.  Don’t believe anything they say about you; they’re just looking for a reaction, it’s not even fuckin’ worth it.  That person doesn’t deserve criminal consequences and a criminal record just because of a stupid thing they said on the internet.  Get the fuck over it.  Somebody thinks you’re a bitch?  That’s no reason to get the Feds involved.  And if you think it is a good reason to get the Feds involved, maybe you’re actually just a fucking bitch.  

Feeling argumentative

I’ve been greatly lacking inspiration lately to write anything, and I just need to be intellectually stimulated.  If anybody has a spare bit of time to exchange a few emails, drop me an email at tigglesworth1@gmail.com stating some point about some social, political, economic, etc. issue and I can almost guarantee you I have an opinion on it; and if my opinion mirrors yours, I’ll just argue for the other side, I don’t give a shit.  Somebody fuckin’ challenge me.  

 

The drugs you d…

The drugs you do were made by people who think in dollar signs,
And that’s not very punk of you, maybe you should change your mind,
Reconsider the whole deal

Damn, it’s been a long fucking weekend (UPDATE)

If I actually have anybody who reads my shit consistently enough to notice, you might have noticed that posts from my have been sparse the past few days; I had a busy fucking weekend.  I was all over the place, getting stoned at a bunch of different friend’s houses and playing video games, and what have you.  This contrasts heavily against my usual “stay the fuck home” plans, so it was different.  So, for once in my boring life I decided to go out somewhere and stay out of home for a while, and I caught a cold.  A fuckin’ nasty one too.  I sure do hate this miserable world we live in.

So, I’m going to try to keep posts coming consistently after today.  I’ve been writing a lot of free-verse poetry lately, and I might try to find another thing I’m good at too so that this doesn’t just turn into a free-verse poetry blog because that’d be silly.  God damn, I’m pretty stoned right now to be honest, so I’m having difficulty focusing on exactly what I should be writing.  Perhaps I’ll write a free-verse poem.

-Tiggles ❤

Perspective is key; life is beauty

Lost,

But is “lost” the word to use

When you have nowhere else to be anyway?

Self,

Your mind is an infinitely large canvas

That only you can see and interpret and appreciate the art of

Earth,

A sandbox for us to play in and enjoy

Overtaken by bigger, meaner kids who take it all too seriously

Life,

A gift that we’re all given for some reason

Without any single clue as to what exactly that reason might be

 Infinity,

Something that we’re all a part of and exist within

And yet something we understand so little about, and can’t even begin to comprehend

Nature’s Grace; and Nature’s Wrath

The wind is roaring, 

   Sustained, crisp and relentless,

      Pushing through, and pushing down all

        That stand in its way

 

But I want to be a tree

   Because out in the wind so strong and furious

      I’ll be comfortable knowing that I was made

        Strong enough to withstand it all

And that kind of differs from where I am right now.